


It Still Hurts

by Davechicken



Series: Kylux - Fluff & Angst [116]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Death is Han Solo, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-13
Updated: 2016-12-13
Packaged: 2018-09-08 10:37:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8841307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Davechicken/pseuds/Davechicken
Summary: Even though it shouldn't.





	

Four nights ago he was released. Four nights, and then three days with the Leader, and now he’s back in Hux’s arms until Snoke wants him again.

And here he is - Kylo - barely there in their bed. It isn’t the pain, because the meds (if he’s taking them) will coat over that. Hux doesn’t _need_ their sex life, but he _likes_ it. There’s no way he’d ever push when Kylo was feeling so miserable like this, because he wouldn’t be able to sustain the boner long enough himself, anyway. They might do angry-sex sometimes, but never slit-my-wrists-sad-sex. 

The Knight has rolled away, and is curled up slightly into himself. He just says he’s ‘tired’ when Hux tries to stroke his neck, or soothe him. 

He doesn’t know how to do this. He never knew how to be reassuring, and Kylo… well. In the past, he’s just awkwardly held him, or kissed him, or listened when the arguing stopped. But now Kylo won’t even argue with him, so he can’t get the pressurised cap off to make him explode. It’s just…

“Would you _please_ just tell me what it is? Is it your helmet? The saber? Snoke?”  


More cold shoulder.

“Kylo… I want to help.”  


“It’s stupid.”  


“It’s not stupid if it upsets you.”  


“If I tell you, you’ll be mad at me.”  


Hux lets a little laugh escape. “I’ll be more mad at you if you _don’t_.”

“Even if I tell you it’s… _him_?”  


“…Snoke?”  


A shake of head. He’s the ‘him’, usually. Occasionally it’s been Luke Skywalker, and it could be, again. Unless… “Han Solo?”

The flinch says yes.

“He’s gone now, Kylo.”  


“I fucking know. I felt it. I felt him _go_.”  


Hux bites his lip. 

He doesn’t understand, truly. Kylo has never been anything but disgusted on the odd occasions he’s brought up his life _before_. Snatches of conversation about a life he wasn’t supposed to acknowledge, and Hux’s needle found the threads and wove its own pattern: mother rejection, father disgust. Wookie? Confusingly just fluffy, but failed to off-set the disgusted Han. He was more angry about his parents than he’d ever been when mentioning his uncle, which makes sense and doesn’t, at the same time.   


“But… that’s good?”  


Kylo punches the bed.

“Not good?”  


“I don’t fucking know… it still hurts, okay? It hurts.”  


“But he rejected you, Kylo. He - he… whatever he did that made you hate him.”  


Kylo’s face disappears into pillows, and Hux is mildly concerned he’s asphyxiating himself with inertia. 

“Kylo… he was bad to you.”  


“He was still my Force-damn _father_ ,” Kylo hisses, turning on him. “Still carried me on his shoulders. Still put Bacta on my knees when I fell. Yeah, he was an asshole who shouted, and ran when things got tough. And yeah, so he couldn’t help keep me s– couldn’t help me, but he’s still - I still wished he was better than he was!”  


Hux can’t fully understand because - given the chance to kill his own father under orders? - the man would be dead in a heartbeat or less, with minimal to no remorse. But then, Kylo had once been… someone else. Someone’s _real_ son. Wanted, up to a point. Trouble, after. 

“You can’t bring him back. What’s… happened… he’s gone, Kylo.”  


“Because _of._ **ME**.”   


“But he _is_ gone.”   


“YES.”  


“…what do you want me to say?”  


“I don’t know!”  


Hux touches two fingers to Kylo’s inner wrist. There’s anger, now, and anger he understands. Kylo launches at him with his hands, trying to claw at his throat and shoulders, but not giving it his all. He’s just too wound up not to flare out, and Hux fights for control of his wrists, surging over him and pinning them to the bed. 

Kylo goes from fury to sobbing, and Hux pushes his forehead against his, shhing him very gently. More thrashes, more, and then Kylo slumps.

“It hurts,” he whispers. “It hurts.”  


Hux kisses his face all over, still holding his wrists. He doesn’t know what else to do, but he… “It’s okay to feel it, I think. Even… if you also hated him. I’m not angry with you.”

“You should be. I shouldn’t care.”  


“Kylo, all you _do_ is care. Don’t even try to deny it. It’s one of many things I love about you. He’s gone, and you’re sad. But… we can get through it. You’re safe. You survived, and you have me.”  


“I’m sorry that isn’t enough to make me happy all the time.”  


“I don’t think _anyone_ is happy _all_ of the time.”   


Kylo pulls at his hands, and he lets them go. They bundle into a tight hug, and Hux kisses his throat over and over. Not to instigate, just to show his affection. 

“Can we just…?”  


“Whatever you need,” Hux agrees. He might not know how to soothe, but he will damn well try.   



End file.
